Not Ready..

I’ve come to realize that our lives can change literally in a second. That I cannot “wait” for things to happen. Those things that may seem impulsive or random really are the essence of what changes are lives. I feel like I was this kid who was living her life with a false sense of the world. It is like I was in this bubble that kept me thinking that every year that comes will bring me the same thing. I was ready to leave home, I wasn’t ready to have sex, I wasn’t ready to fall in love, and I wasn’t ready to lose my friends. I wasn’t ready for any of that. Then I ask myself what am I ready for? I come to the conclusion that I am never really ready for anything. I am scared and I always feel like I don’t understand why my head constantly thinks of things that don’t agree with my heart. I think every time I ever followed my heart I got hurt but every time I followed my head I advanced to the next step in life but I wasn’t exactly fulfilled. When I am left with these options which one do I choose? Do I choose a happy existence with the worse conditions and lose everyone it he process. Or do I lead an existence with everything I ever wanted but still feel empty inside. Again my head always wins. I wish I could not care about were I end up I wish I never worried about how my life my end up. I wish I could just be random and go for what I truly believe. I am so afraid of failure. I am so afraid of the world and all the evil that is in it. I wish it could all make sense. But it doesn’t.